Struck by Saturn

The year I felt different

I’ve never been one for astrology but I recently discovered the Saturn Return.

Astrologists say that Saturn takes approximately 29.5 years to complete one full orbit around the Sun and return to its position at the time of your birth. As if a quarter-life and mid-life crisis weren’t enough, this supposedly signifies entering a new stage or portends to some pivotal moment in life. Make of it what you will but here I am, feeling it.

A couple of months ago, I was having dinner with my friend and her German grandparents. There was a bit of a language gap, granted my conversational German went so far as to make an attempted joke here and there. After dinner was over and we said our goodbyes, I burst into tears. My friend patted me on the back in an attempt to affirm what could only be deemed a nonsensical emotional reaction. “They still like each other,” I wailed. Nothing she said could soothe me because, at the end of the day, I was having a sad happy cry about an old couple that still like each other.

Ever since I turned 29, my bouts of sentimental outbursts increased twofold in their frequency. It’s like constantly PMSing. Heck, I was barely surviving being emotional once a month and now this? It feels unnatural to be completely overcome by emotions. It feels like I’m losing control. When I lose control, I feel weak. When I feel weak, I am vulnerable and more prone to failure or to be seen as one.

But this year feels different.

There’s something very specific about the phase leading up to 30 that brings you face to face with yourself.

What happens is you start letting yourself feel things you pushed away in the past. Your fears become more prominent in the acute awareness of time. You start to realize that being emotional is actually a great thing, while trying to grapple with the weird and inseparable nature of mixed emotions. You sit on a park bench with a bunch of strangers soaking in the sun and feel immediately overwhelmed with gratitude and sadness and hope and warmth and despair and belonging and loneliness.You can finally just let yourself be.

And if Saturn has anything to do with it, you are exactly where you should be.